Dating With Purpose: Clear Signals, Clear Expectations, and the Test of Grace

In our Roadmap from Single to Married series, we started with the foundations: God has someone for you, He is invested in you marrying the right person, and you need to know who He created you to be. Now let's talk about the next stretch of the road. You think you may have found someone. What happens between "I think this could be it" and actually getting married?

How It Starts Matters Less Than Who You Run It By

Sometimes it begins with a knowing in your heart, a word from the Lord, or even a dream. Other times it starts in a very ordinary way. You take a class together. Your conversations just flow. You keep bumping into each other. No matter how you get connected, run it by the Lord and get His approval.

Pay attention to the people you naturally flow with. Some people have someone right in front of them they flow with and never consider. Sometimes God reveals something first and then you pursue it. Other times you discover the connection first and then take it to God in prayer.

Here is something we often say: it is easier to fall in love with somebody you flow with than to flow with somebody you are already in love with. If the flow is there, attraction can grow by the grace of God. There is nothing wrong with starting out attracted to someone, but either way, take it to the Lord. He promises to lead us as our Shepherd, beside still waters and in paths of peace. If God is leading and there is no peace, God is not in it.

Send a Clear Signal

Often one person senses it before the other. So how do you move forward? Send a signal that you are interested. If it is received and returned, take the next step. If it is not, the person may not be interested, or may not be ready. You can start out subtle, but if you are interested, be clear.

The flip side matters just as much:

Don't send signals to several people at once.
If you are not interested, don't raise someone's hopes. Don't give them undue attention.

Picture a man who calls a woman every night for a month or two but never says anything about his intentions. She assumes he is interested. He says, "But I never said anything." He didn't have to. He is acting the way an interested person acts, and in doing so he has marked his territory. Others who might have been interested may stay away because of the attention he is giving her.

If you are on the receiving end, ask

If someone has been giving you consistent attention for over a month without being clear, ask. Don't let anyone pull you along. Over the years we have seen more women hurt by this. Both people say "we're just friends," while one of them is quietly hoping for more. Trust God enough to ask the question. If the answer is no, God can bring someone better.

Don't give privileges that haven't been earned

People often get hurt when they give someone privileges that person never earned, and then the relationship never materializes. Physical intimacy belongs to your spouse. There is also a level of commitment you shouldn't give to someone who has made no commitment to you. Cooking, cleaning, and ironing for a man who says "we're just friends" is more than friendship, and so is talking every night.

If you aren't bold enough to ask, involve trusted people in your community. We tell singles in our church that if someone has been giving them attention without making their intentions clear, we are willing to help them ask. When these situations are handled poorly, people get devastated, and sometimes a whole church community starts picking sides.

Remember Why You Are Dating

The purpose of a romantic relationship is to head toward marriage. You date to develop friendship and get to know each other, with the intention of finding out whether this will lead to marriage.

That means if you know you cannot or will not marry someone, you should not be in a romantic relationship with them, even if you both agree it won't lead anywhere. There is nothing wrong with being single, and nothing wrong with friendship. But friendship has boundaries.

Watch out for the undefined relationship. You start hanging out, and eventually decide, "I guess we might as well be together," without ever evaluating it. Things can start that way, but if it begins to grow, pause and evaluate: could this lead to marriage?

Don't skip steps

Think of dating as a series of graduations. First you commit to each other clearly, so everyone knows where the boundary is. Then, ideally, you find a mentor or two to walk with you. Don't jump ahead of the process. Being at each other's homes until one in the morning, or moving in together because "we're dating," is skipping steps. We live in a generation where many people don't hold biblical values, but as believers we should.

Set Expectations Up Front

Once you are in a relationship, talk about what each of you is looking for. If one person just wants exclusive benefits, the believer can say clearly, "I'm waiting until I'm married." Establish those things early so you both know what you are building toward.

Jesus set expectations with the crowds who followed Him. In Luke 14:25 to 33, great multitudes were following Him, and He turned and told them plainly what discipleship would cost. He asked which of them would build a tower without first counting the cost, or which king would go to war without first considering whether he could win. Clear expectations keep you from starting something you can't finish. You may still discover the person is not the right one, but at least you both started out honestly. We don't play with people's emotions.

How long should you date?

It depends. But our advice is that a relationship generally shouldn't go longer than about three years unless there is a very good reason, such as living in different countries or waiting on paperwork. Jesus spent three years with His disciples! Three years is enough to understand each other, ask your questions, and know whether you will spend your lives together. Then the next phase is planning a wedding.

A word to the women

Usually women get hurt more than men, and you don't have the same luxury of jumping in and out of relationships. If a man doesn't know what he wants, that's fine, but he should figure it out on his own time, not yours. Don't let anyone take you off the market and then return you to it after other good prospects have passed by. Most respectable men, the kind who make good husbands, will not intrude when they see another man giving you attention and you responding.

If you are not interested, send a clear signal. If it's ignored, send it more strongly, and if needed, ask your community to help.

Don't rule out "not my type" too quickly

If someone loves God, is spiritually mature, has their natural life in order, flows with you, and expresses interest, pray about it before you say no. They may not be your "type," but sometimes our taste needs God's perspective.

Dating Is a Testing Season

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good.
1 Thessalonians 5:19-21 (NKJV)

Don't despise what the Lord is telling you, and still test it. The whole dating and courtship period is a testing period. As each thing checks out, you hold fast to it. Keep praying throughout the relationship, especially in the early stages.

Kemi was once in a relationship she started out believing was right. She had peace about it. About six months in, as she kept praying, it felt like the Lord was distant, and she realized she had missed God. The other person hadn't done anything wrong. God simply hadn't sent her there. She repented, apologized to him, and yes, she cried. But she stood corrected, and that is the purpose of testing.

The test of grace

One of the most important tests is the test of grace. If God is in something, there is grace on it. If you have to force everything and see no evidence of God's grace, something is wrong. Either God didn't lead you into it, you went ahead of His timing, or you are doing things He told you not to do.

Ask yourselves: since we've been together, is there evidence of God's favor and blessing? God's light reveals things. As you go deeper, is His light showing you good things, or things that concern you?

We pray for the grace of spiritual discernment over you: the ability to see the true nature of things, to not jump ahead of God's process, and, if you have been hurt or taken a wrong turn, the grace to heal and return to God's best for you.

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