The Law of Mutual Edification: How to Make Decisions That Bless You Both
In our series Recipes for a Blessed Marriage, we have looked at what Scripture says about submitting to one another in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:21), and at God's specific instructions for wives and for husbands. God is intentional. He gave wives instructions that bless the marriage when they honor them, and He gave husbands instructions that do the same.
He also made room for the marriage where one spouse is giving their best and the other is giving a little. Our encouragement there is: keep going. Keep doing what God asked you to do. Don't become the police officer for your spouse. Focus on your part, trust God, and stay involved in a community that brings healthy accountability.
But there is something more, something we call the law of mutual edification.
Why Staying in Your Lane Is Not Enough
The husband has his instructions, and the wife has hers. Yet each of us simply focusing on our own part is not necessarily enough. Here is why.
As believers, we walk inside a large scope called the will of God. Within it, a wife is to submit to her husband, and a husband is to love his wife. But it is possible for both spouses to do those things, both fully within God's will, without their lives really overlapping. They are like two individuals standing in the same field.
The law of mutual edification says: within the boundaries of God's Word, let's overlap as much as possible. Instead of "I'll just submit to my husband" and "I'll just love my wife," we do it together, in ways that bless each other. Put simply, both the husband and the wife are mutually built up in the marriage, within the boundaries of God's Word. Not one person enjoying the benefits, but both.
This should be the default thinking in every marriage. If both of you don't think this way, someone will get hurt. You can still have a marriage, but you won't have the best of it. When both of you think this way, marriage becomes a multiplier.
What 1 Corinthians 7 Teaches
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (NKJV)
Paul applies this principle to physical intimacy, but the principle reaches into every area of marriage.
Marriage comes with an obligation. When you got married, you took on the responsibility of giving your spouse the affection due to them. See it as part of the commitment you made.
Authority is now shared. We like to say it this way: the wife does not have authority over her own body alone. When you were single, you and the Lord had authority over your life. Once you marry, your spouse shares that authority. Now there are three of you. And this is true for husbands exactly as it is for wives.
Thinking becomes joint. Our resources are for both of us. And that applies to far more than our bodies.
The extra obligation of marriage
Later in the same chapter, Paul writes that the unmarried person cares about how to please the Lord, while the married person also cares about how to please their spouse (1 Corinthians 7:32 to 35). Some people hear this as if marriage were bad. Paul is not saying that. He is saying that marriage adds an obligation.
When you are single, you have one person to please: the Lord. When you marry, your obligation to please the Lord remains, and you take on the obligation to please your spouse as well. That is why it is dangerous to marry someone who does not want to please the Lord. It divides your attention.
Jesus is Lord, so He always comes first. But if you choose to marry, you also take your spouse's preferences into consideration and learn to bend toward them. That isn't always easy, because it might not be what you want. But as long as your spouse's preference is not against the will of God and doesn't hurt the family, you should bend. Sometimes you will negotiate. The goal is a decision that pleases the Lord, pleases your spouse, and pleases you. That center point is the law of mutual edification.
Your Nearest Neighbor
Jesus summed it up when He was asked about the greatest commandment:
Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
Matthew 22:37-39 (NKJV)
First, you love God and stay within His boundaries. But the second commandment matters too. Some unbalanced teaching says all you need to do is please God. That may be true for a single person, but not for someone who is married.
The word neighbor means someone nearby, and your nearest neighbor is your spouse. Loving your neighbor as yourself means you don't make decisions that favor you at your spouse's expense. You seek mutually blessing, mutually favoring decisions. Imagine a husband and a wife who both think this way. It is such a sweet place to be in a marriage.
When Two Believers Still Don't See Eye to Eye
Maybe you're thinking, "We aren't unequally yoked. We both love the Lord. But we just don't see eye to eye." You can ask God to knit your hearts together. Right now, you may be like two single individuals standing inside God's will. Start working toward overlap, so that people looking from the outside see one unit, not two separate ones.
That happens when the husband keeps asking, "How can I be a blessing to my wife?" and the wife keeps asking, "How can I be a blessing to my husband?" all on the foundation of a wife submitting and a husband loving.
The more we have lived this way, the more united we have become. Our children sometimes come to Tayo with a question, he says "go ask Mom," and they reply, "We already know what she's going to say. The same thing you just said." That is oneness. We are very different people, yet so much of our thinking is now aligned.
Genesis 2:24 says a man is joined to his wife. Imagine two people physically joined together. They would be forced to make decisions that work for both, because neither can move without the other.
The boundary: always within God's will
This does not mean agreeing with your spouse at any cost. In Acts 5, Peter asked Sapphira why she had agreed with her husband to lie to the Holy Spirit. God expected her not to go along with Ananias when he stepped outside His will. Mutual edification always happens within the boundaries of God.
Make It Your Default in Every Area
Many couples already make joint decisions about their children. The goal is to carry that same thinking into every area. My body is not only mine. My time is not only mine. Paul used physical intimacy as the example, but the call is to seek to bless and please each other everywhere. The more areas in which you are joined under the will of God, the more you will enjoy your marriage.
If your marriage feels more like two roommates, start now:
- Pray together about decisions, big and small.
- Talk as long as you need to. Getting on the same page can take days, weeks, even months depending on the issue. Be committed to alignment, and don't get frustrated that you see things differently.
- Never bully your spouse into agreement. You may get temporary results, but you won't get a happy marriage. The goal is consensus, being of one mind toward one another.
The law of mutual edification is really the law of love. We pray for grace over your marriage to think this way: to look out not only for what works for you, but also for what works for your spouse, and for grace to put selfishness and every work of the flesh to death. And if you are single, pay attention. This will come in handy.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.