The Power of Praying Together: Prayer and Agreement in Christian Marriage
Some recipes for a blessed marriage are things we do for each other. Some are mindsets we adopt. And some are the ways we show our reliance on God and hold on to His grace. You can do all the right things and check off every box, but Psalm 127 reminds us that unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. You don't want to be the watchman who is watching while the Lord is not helping.
That is why we want to talk about prayer, for you as an individual and for your marriage.
Start by Praying for Yourself
When Tayo was growing up, there was a common idea that the men earned the money and the women did the praying. Many men never learned how to pray or invested in it. Someone else can carry you in prayer for a while, but there will come a time when you have to carry yourself. Galatians 6:5 says each one shall bear his own load. There are burdens you must learn to bear in prayer for yourself.
Pray for yourself to become a better person and a better spouse. When you engage God personally, you become a better believer, and a better husband or wife.
First Peter 5:6 tells us to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God so that He may exalt us in due time. We do everything we know how to do in the natural. Then, after we have done all, we look to God and say, "Without You, we cannot do this. We have given it our best, but we need Your help and Your wisdom," because there are so many things we don't know how to do, and He does.
Make Prayer a Lifestyle in Every Season
There will always be something to pray for. When we were single, we prayed, often in prayer meetings with friends. When we started dating, we prayed for God's will, for a blessed relationship, for grace to do what we ought to do and avoid what we ought not to do. When we married, we trusted God for grace as a couple. Then came children, and we trusted God for them. Now, as they go to college, we pray about the right friendships, the right career, and one day the right spouse. Add career, business, and everything else, and there is so much to lean on God for.
We also encourage pre-praying: not waiting until something happens before you pray, but praying into the future so that nothing catches you by surprise.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says a threefold cord is not quickly broken. In a marriage, there is the husband, the wife, and the Lord holding them together. One of the main ways we invite Him to be that third strand, the glue in our marriage, is prayer. In prayer we say, "Lord, we honor Your direction and Your leadership. We receive Your correction and Your insight."
Pray Together as a Couple
Your personal prayer life matters. But your marriage also needs a prayer life of its own.
Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.
Matthew 18:19-20 (NKJV)
We often quote these verses about church gatherings, and they apply there. But the best setting for this promise is a married couple. If I can agree in prayer with a prayer partner, why not my spouse? My spouse should be closer to me than any prayer partner. If you don't have that in your spouse yet, ask God to help you build it.
God is with you when you pray alone. But when the two of you come together in unity, there is, for lack of a better word, an explosion of grace. Scripture speaks of one chasing a thousand and two putting ten thousand to flight. That is greater grace and greater power, and with great grace, things get done faster and more easily. We talked recently about having a shared vision as a couple. Now pray that vision together.
The enemy knows how much can happen when a couple prays in agreement. That is why it can be so easy to get offended with your spouse, and why your agreement can feel shaky at times. Lean on the Lord and ask Him for grace.
Don't make prayer a contest
We have talked with couples where one spouse is upset because the other can't pray with them for an hour. That is not what we mean. We are not prescribing how long you pray. Just get started. If you can both do five minutes, do five minutes. If you can do ten, do ten. The Holy Spirit will show you how to grow as you go.
The stronger one should carry the one who is still growing. If you feel led to pray for an hour, go and pray for an hour on your own. If your spouse can do ten minutes with you, do those ten minutes joyfully and trust the Lord to honor them. Enjoy where you are on the way to where you are going.
Don't let prayer become a source of contention: "You never pray with me." "You won't fast with me." If God has put something on your heart, do it. But together, pray, no matter how small the start. Build that altar.
You may have heard that a family that prays together stays together. We have also noticed that couples who pray together tend to have fewer communication problems, because when you pray together, God deals with both of your hearts at the same time.
Agreement is the key
Jesus did not say "if two pray." He said "if two of you agree." So come to prayer in a spirit of agreement, even if that means adjusting what you are asking for.
Sometimes one spouse wants to pray only about their own concerns, and hides behind spirituality: "I'm praying these great spiritual prayers." There is nothing wrong with those prayers. But if your spouse never prays with you, find out what they want, and ask how you can agree with them. When you pray about what is really on your spouse's heart and help lift their burden, you may find they are eager to pray with you.
If you have to shrink what you are asking for so that you can be in agreement, shrink it. Pay the price to get into agreement. That is where you will see results and multiplication.
He Is in the Midst of You
Whenever you pray together, God is with you. If you are not sensing His presence, or it feels like you are walking through a situation alone, come together and lay hold of Matthew 18:20: "Lord Jesus, we gather together in Your name, and we trust that You are here in the midst of us." God's Word does not return void.
Scripture tells us that where there is strife, there is confusion and every evil work. But where the love of God abounds, there is freedom, victory, wisdom, and direction. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. And Psalm 16:11 says that in His presence is fullness of joy. If you need direction and don't know what to do, come into agreement and let His presence fill that place, show you His path, and fill you with His joy.
A Word to Husbands, and to Wives
Husbands, you are the head of your home, and you are in a position to pray over every member of your household. When Rebekah could not have a child, Isaac pleaded with the Lord on her behalf, and she conceived (Genesis 25:21). Job regularly offered sacrifices for his children. Don't think your prayers don't matter. What you pray over your wife and children makes a difference. Pray over them so they are not attacked by the enemy.
Don't be like Adam, who was right there when the serpent spoke with Eve and did not intervene. Take your place in prayer over your family.
Wives, if you feel your husband isn't doing this yet, God still honors your prayers. Stand in the gap for your family, and trust God to draw your husband higher.
We pray that God gives you grace to build your own prayer life, grace and wisdom to build a prayer life as a couple, and, if you are not yet married, grace to begin praying for your future spouse so that praying together comes naturally when that day comes.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.