Preparing for Marriage While You Are Single: A Roadmap for Christian Singles
After many years of marriage, one thing has become very clear to us: a lot of the issues couples face in marriage start when they are single. Whatever you don't deal with as a single person, you will have to deal with as a married person if you want to be successfully married. The good news is that it is much easier to fix those things while you are single.
The same is true of the blessings. Many of the good things couples enjoy in marriage begin in their single years. So if you are single, of marriageable age, and wondering where to start, here is a roadmap.
Start With the Right Perspective
What you believe about marriage shapes every decision you make. If you don't believe right, you open yourself to the wrong decision and become more susceptible to a counterfeit from the enemy. Three beliefs make a strong foundation.
God has somebody for you
When you know God has someone for you, it changes how you think. You are not desperate in a negative way, and you will not sell yourself for something that is not of God. It is when people don't believe God has someone for them that they end up breaking His laws to get something.
Some people struggle to believe this because of their family of origin, their experiences, or their self-image. They don't feel pretty enough, handsome enough, wealthy enough, or intelligent enough. But God has somebody for you. That truth lets you relax, not into complacency, but into walking with Him.
It is not locked into one person
Some people believe God has someone for them, and then the idea becomes paralyzing. What if I miss that one person?
God will never strand your destiny. Jesus chose twelve disciples, and one of them was Judas. When Judas fell, Acts 1 records that another took his place. If God made provision for the apostles, one of the most central things He was doing on earth, how much more will He provide for you? Person A may be the person for this season. But if person A rejects the will of God, God can bring person B. God has someone for you, but your future is not held hostage by one individual's choices.
God is invested in your marriage
God is not holding out on you. Kemi remembers feeling, in her single days, that God had settled her job and other areas of life, but marriage seemed far away and difficult. That is not true. God wants each of His children to enjoy the blessing of marriage.
He also has a vested interest in who you marry. Your spouse will likely be the greatest help or the greatest hindrance to you fulfilling God's purpose for your life. It is much harder to do God's will married to someone who does not want to do it, and much easier with someone who keeps encouraging you to obey God. You don't have to talk God into giving you the right spouse. He wants the work of the kingdom done.
That changes how you pray. Sometimes people say, "I feel God is leading me toward this person, but I'm just not feeling it." Be honest with God, but don't simply ask Him for someone else. Ask Him to work in you. Philippians 2:13 tells us it is God who works in us both to will and to do His good pleasure.
Look at Joseph and Mary. God was intentional about the two people He put together.
Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly.
Matthew 1:19 (NKJV)
Joseph believed he had been wronged, yet he refused to shame Mary or take revenge. When God spoke, he obeyed promptly. He aligned himself with Mary when it was not popular, and he helped her fulfill her destiny as she helped him fulfill theirs as a family.
Focus on Being the Right Person
There are two sides to a good marriage: finding the right person and being the right person. Being the right person is probably the more important one, because when you are the right person, it is easier to find, or be found by, the right person. Joseph's character is exactly why God could trust him with such an assignment.
Being the right person includes three things:
- Be who God made you to be. Grow in character and in purpose. For some people, the distance between who God made them to be and who they are today is very far. Close that gap.
- Be where God wants you to be. You cannot do the will of God everywhere. When Paul wanted to go into Asia, the Spirit stopped him, and then Paul saw a vision of a man from Macedonia calling for help. There is a place for you. Sentiment, wrong alliances, or simply your own desires can keep you in the wrong place.
- Do what God wants you to do in that place. One man told Tayo how he met his wife: she was serving food at church and gave him a little extra. What if she had not been there, serving? Develop the fruit of the Spirit and use your gifts. If you can sing, sing. If you can write, write. If you can help, help.
Start Preparing Early
Bible history suggests Mary was probably around fifteen or sixteen when she was betrothed. We are not telling teenagers to get married. But preparation can start early, and parents can begin teaching their children what marriage is and what it is for.
Genesis 2 is a good place to start. What was God's intention for marriage? As a single adult, it is not too early to ask the Lord to open your eyes to see what He sees about marriage, and about your marriage. Whatever He puts on your heart, write it down and pray about it. When a passage of Scripture or a godly couple around you touches your heart, write down what stirred you and ask God for that grace.
You don't need a perfect family background to believe for a blessed marriage. Kemi's background was shaky, but God planted her among godly married couples. She saw things in them she desired and prayed into them. One couple helped other couples build blessed marriages, and she longed for that, with no idea that we would be doing it today. Don't limit yourself to past experiences or family history. And when culture presents something contrary to God's design, go back to the Word and align yourself with it.
Practical Steps While You Wait
Even if you are not in a relationship and have no prospects, there is a lot you can do:
- Get healed from the past. If you have been hurt or damaged, recover before you enter a new relationship.
- Become whole in God. People who are not whole sometimes form ungodly attachments. Let God be sufficient, so the person who comes adds to your life instead of taking His place.
- Understand your purpose. When you know what God has called you to do, some people clearly will not fit, and you save yourself a lot of grief.
- Learn to walk in love. It is the most important skill for a happy marriage.
- Build healthy friendships. You need trusted relationships to help you vet a prospect. Ruth did not realize Boaz's field was a marital opportunity until Naomi pointed it out. Zipporah did not consider Moses until her father asked where the man who had helped them was.
- Keep learning. Get educated, grow in wisdom, and increase your capacity. Everybody appreciates good things.
Recognize Your Season
There are seasons when, without doing anything differently, it feels like a spotlight is suddenly on you. That can be a strong indication that it is your season. When it comes, dig deeper into the things of God, because you need to hear His voice clearly. In a season like that, many may be drawn to you, and you need the Holy Spirit to discern which connection is real and which is just noise.
Don't entertain the wrong person, because the right one may walk away. But don't become complacent or play unnecessarily hard to get either. God determines your season. When He brings something, make the most of it.
If you have missed it in some way, we pray for a grace of divine restoration over your life. God is still able to bring you into everything He has for you.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.