How to Recognize the Right One: Through Your Relationships and Everyday Life
"How will I know the right one when I meet them?" It is one of the most common questions singles ask. In our series Recognizing the Right One, we have been looking at the ways God helps us answer it. Before we add two more, let's be clear about what we mean by "the right one."
What "the Right One" Does and Does Not Mean
- Not the perfect one. The only perfect person is Jesus Christ. Everyone else has flaws.
- Not the only one. There can be choices within God's will. Jacob was sent to Laban's house, where he could marry one of Laban's daughters.
- Not necessarily the most attractive to you. This is the one many people miss. Our tastes can be infected by the flesh, and sometimes what we like needs to be detoxed. The person God leads you to may not appeal to you at first, and then God works on you.
By the right one, we mean someone God has called to share life with you, so you can help each other do what He has asked of you.
God never tells us to find the right one without helping us recognize them. Through the Holy Spirit, He helps us in many ways. We have already looked at three:
- Divine revelation. God speaks, and He can reveal who you will marry. In Genesis 2, God brought Eve to Adam.
- Divine and natural authorities. In Scripture, fathers often played a big part in their children's marriages, as with Abraham and Isaac, and Isaac and Jacob. Reading 1 Corinthians 7 helped us see this as more than a cultural practice. In our pastoral work, we have seen how much harder this becomes when people cut themselves off from trusted guidance. If you have no natural or spiritual covering, seek one.
- Your place of service. Rachel was feeding her father's flock when she met Jacob. Zipporah met Moses the same way. Ruth was serving Naomi when she met Boaz.
Now let's look at two more.
Through Your Relationships and Associations
Ask couples how they met and you will often hear something like, "I went to a friend's birthday party, and so did he." God frequently blesses you through your company: your friends, your family, and your local church. When Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac in Genesis 24, he looked to his own family and his father's house.
We are not islands, and we are not meant to be lone rangers. So develop friendships, not only because you hope to get married, but because relationships are a blessing in life. As you are yourself and others are themselves, your connection may show up in your immediate circle or just outside it. Someone might think, "She would be great with my friend." But how would they think that if they never get to know you?
Many of us become guarded in the name of "I don't want to get hurt." We go to church and come home. We go to work and come home. When you don't engage with people, you short-circuit the effect of the relationships around you. You have to do life with people. Very few things are revealed to us directly. Most of what you will learn in life, God will teach you through somebody else.
The same company also helps you stay married. Some couples disconnect from everyone after the wedding. You still need people.
Shared values, not identical backgrounds
Luke 1:5 tells us Zacharias was a priest, and his wife Elizabeth was also of the daughters of Aaron. She grew up in the same environment and understood his world. We are not saying your spouse must come from the same background as you, but you do need the same values.
Show up
If you are a young adult with access to a youth group, college group, or young adults ministry, make the most of it. Meet people. See how many different kinds of children God has, with different strengths and different quirks. Sometimes we are so fixed on "this is what I want" that we forget to ask on what basis. Getting out of your comfort zone opens your eyes, and helps you see it is okay to be yourself too.
As pastors, we are sometimes amazed when a church holds a singles meeting and the singles who are believing for a spouse don't come. "There's nobody there I like." The person may not even be in that room, but connecting with the company God has placed you in opens you up.
Let your company help you filter
When you do get into a relationship, the people around you become your vetting team. Some will say, "I don't know about this." Others will say, "I never thought about it, but this makes a lot of sense." They can help you filter before your emotions get too invested. You have a choice in who you marry, but even with that choice, God has placed people around you to help.
This matters even among believers, because not every believer around you is headed in the same direction you are. If you have been praying for years about running an orphanage, and the person you are interested in wants nothing to do with children, that is a real conflict. God may have someone for that person, but it may not be you.
Through the Everyday Course of Life
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psalm 23:1 (NKJV)
We like to read it: because the Lord is my Shepherd, therefore I shall not want. Our provision often lies in following the leading of our Shepherd. When people don't follow Him, they miss what He has already provided.
There is an ordinary, God-ordained course of life. If you are a young adult, that probably means being in school or building toward a marketable skill. As you do what you ought to be doing, the Shepherd leads you, and you run into the right people. As someone once put it, if you are where you ought to be, you will meet who you ought to meet.
The reverse is also true. At the time when kings went out to battle, King David stayed home, and that is where he fell into temptation with Bathsheba. In the right place, you meet the right person. In the wrong place, you meet the wrong one.
Following God's specific leading
Beyond the ordinary course of life, sometimes God leads you to do something specific, and it may seem counterintuitive.
When Tayo was in college, he attended a small church of about fifty people. A young man who played keyboard for them was about to graduate and wanted to get married, but there were no prospects in that church. So he started attending one of the biggest churches in town. It was a good church, but while he was there, the Lord told him, "I did not send you to this church. Go back to the church I sent you to help." The little church had no other keyboard player and had been using tapes.
He went back. A few months later, a guest music minister came to visit. She sang, he played, and they flowed. As it turned out, she had worked with a prominent ministry, and the Lord had put it on her heart to go and hold meetings of her own. "I'm a music minister, not a preacher," she thought, so she decided to simply look for churches that needed help with music. She moved to Nebraska, and the very first church she visited was the one where she met her husband. They are still married today.
Small steps of obedience matter
David's father sent him to the battlefield with food for his brothers. The Bible says David left early in the morning. That simple obedience brought him to the battlefront, where the purpose of God rose up in him as he heard Goliath's taunts. Part of the reward for defeating the giant was marriage to the king's daughter. What if David had dragged his feet and left in the afternoon?
In one day, David obeyed his earthly father, obeyed his heavenly Father, stepped into his purpose, and found a wife, all because he took the first step of immediate obedience. Don't dismiss the seemingly small steps of doing life.
Use your gifts, too. If you are wonderful with children, serve in children's ministry. You may wonder how that will help you find a husband, but people have brothers and brothers-in-law, and you would be surprised how using your gift causes you to be noticed. (And by the way, we need men in children's ministry too.)
We trust God to give you the grace to see and recognize the right one, in Jesus' name.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.