Setting Goals as a Couple: How to Write a Shared Vision for Your Marriage

Whether it is a new year or simply a new season in your marriage, one of the best things you can do as a couple is to set your vision together. Agree on what you are trusting God for. Write your goals down together. And don't make it a once-a-year exercise. Come back and review those goals regularly: once a month, once a quarter, or twice a year, whatever rhythm you can keep. What matters is that you stay aligned.

Unity Is Good, and It Is Pleasant

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
Psalm 133:1 (NKJV)

There is something good and pleasant about brothers and sisters dwelling together in unity, and an even bigger blessing when a husband and wife do. You can fight a battle on your own, but when you lock arms and say, "Let's go together," you become a threefold cord that is not easily broken. Things you see, I may not see. Things I see, you may not see. Together, especially as we walk with God, there is no blind spot.

Notice that the psalm calls unity both good and pleasant. There is a sweetness and an enjoyment to it. The psalm goes on to compare it to the anointing oil running down from Aaron's head, and says that there the Lord commanded the blessing.

Unity is not uniformity. It does not mean we do the same things. It means we are in agreement, fighting from the same viewpoint. And because so much tries to pull couples out of unity, it takes effort to get there and effort to stay there.

Can Two Walk Together?

Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3 (NKJV)

If we are driving to Chicago, we have to agree that Chicago is where we are going. You can't say "Chicago" while I say "Iowa." The car can only head in one direction. When one spouse is looking one way and the other is looking the opposite way, you end up in a stalemate, and nothing moves.

Marriage is not just two people who love each other. It is two people who love each other on the same path, with the same vision. Before you can walk, run, or fly together, you have to get into agreement.

We see this throughout Scripture. On the day of Pentecost, the disciples were all with one accord in one place, and then the sound like a rushing mighty wind filled the house (Acts 2:1 to 2). God had a new beginning for the church, and He poured out His blessing on a united people. We believe God has blessings for couples too, and when you are in one accord, headed in the same direction, the Holy Spirit will breathe on areas of your life and cause them to bear fruit.

Paul pleaded with the Philippians to fulfill his joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord and of one mind (Philippians 2:2). When you are on the same page, you are simply more productive.

Get Selfishness Out of the Way

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (NKJV)

One reason couples struggle to get into unity is that someone feels taken advantage of. Getting on the same page often involves some negotiation, and when one spouse feels the other is seeking an unfair advantage, the united front breaks. Sometimes you will have to set aside your own preferences for the sake of agreement. It can be work, but it is worth it, because there is a multiplication of grace and fruitfulness that comes only through unity.

We encourage you not to wait until you reach the negotiating table. If you know something would bless your spouse, put it on the table yourself. You can also be honest: "I would really appreciate this, and I know that would bless you. Let's pray about God's perfect plan." That is a spirit of "I want to be a blessing," instead of "Why aren't we doing everything my way?"

How to work through your lists

Verse 4 says to look out for your own interests and the interests of others. So in your vision-setting time, don't minimize your own desires. Write down what you would like, and write down what your spouse would like. Then put it all together and ask:

How can we ride in the same car and still accomplish these things?
Are all of these within what the Lord would have us do this year?
Is there anything we should put on the shelf until next year?

What each of you wants is not necessarily wrong, and you may not have to pick only one. Maybe one goal is for this season and the other for the next. Maybe you can do both at once. Keep seeking the Lord and stay mindful of being a blessing to your spouse.

This takes work, discipline, and patience. And you may not get everything. We often say it is better for both of you to agree on 70% of what you want than to force 100% of what you want and lose your agreement. The secret is getting into one mind and one accord. You can get everything you want and still lose, because the blessing is not in it. Learn to talk until you agree.

Stay in Agreement

It is possible to start out in agreement and drift out of it. So you don't only want to get into agreement; you want to stay there. That requires periodic reviews of your vision together. Take time, even a retreat, to ask: Are we still seeing the same thing? Do we need to adjust? At minimum, do this once a year. Quarterly or monthly is even better.

Four Habits From Habakkuk 2

Habakkuk 2:1 describes the prophet saying he would stand his watch and set himself on the rampart to see what the Lord would say to him. Then comes the instruction:

Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
Habakkuk 2:2-3 (KJV)

1. Be intentional

Habakkuk deliberately positioned himself to hear from God. As a couple, you have to make the time. For those of us with children and full schedules, it can be a stretch. Don't be hard on yourselves if you didn't do it on January 1. Just carve out time to look at your life, set the vision, and plan and pray through what you believe God would have you do.

2. Write it down, plainly

Document what the Lord is putting on your hearts. Use a notebook, a document, your phone, or a voice recording. What you can see, you are more likely to meditate on and act on, and the vision grows in you. Keep it plain. Don't complicate it.

3. Run with it

"That he may run that readeth it." Don't write a vision and lock it away. Plan to take action that is measurable and that you hold yourselves accountable for.

4. Trust the appointed time

Don't be discouraged if the vision does not play out immediately. It is for an appointed time, and it will surely come. As you write it, run with it, review it, meditate on it, and pray toward it together, you position yourselves for it.

Let God Author the Vision

One last thing: don't just cook up the vision you want. Get God involved in the process. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God, and we do not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from His mouth. Especially for life-altering decisions, make sure you are hearing from Him. God gives the blueprint, and within His boundaries, we fill in the details. When the vision starts with God and both of you agree, you can run with it.

And as you review your vision, make sure you are in sync on every major area of life. That will make life a lot easier.

We pray that God helps you set God-given visions, come into agreement, and walk in the multiplied grace that agreement brings. May you see the same things in every major area of life, run with your vision, and find a rhythm for reviewing it together. And we pray for grace for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, so your marriage stays united and focused on Him.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the King James Version, which is in the public domain.

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