Effective Communication in Marriage and Family: A Biblical Tool for Resolving Conflict

So far in our Conflict Resolution series, we have shared three tools: be sober-minded about the reality of offenses, embrace God's method for handling them, and mature in the love of God, which makes us more resilient and less prone to offend others. The fourth tool is one you can start practicing today: learn to communicate effectively.

We can't avoid every conflict, but good communication keeps us out of unnecessary ones, helps us get out of conflicts we are already in, and keeps the ones we can't avoid from being blown out of proportion. Look at conflict in general and you will see that many conflicts are started by bad communication, many are fueled by it, and many are magnified by it. On the other hand, good communication can resolve or tone down a great deal of conflict.

A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV)

What Gets in the Way of Clear Communication

Before we look at the principles, it helps to know what distorts communication.

Noise. Person A says one thing, and person B hears something else, or hears more than was said, or only half of it. There is a lot of noise in our environment.
Over-communication. Sometimes people share information others should not have. God does not give the same level of information to everyone. Jesus explained the mysteries of the kingdom to His disciples, while He spoke to the crowds in parables.
Half-truths. This may be the biggest problem of all. A half-truth sounds true, but it isn't the whole truth, and it is often used to deceive. It is a favorite tool of the devil. What caused man to fall was a half-truth, beginning with the serpent's question, "Has God indeed said...?"
Sincere falsehoods. A lie is said on purpose. But many people sincerely repeat things that are simply not true, often because they were taught wrongly. If you accept these without examining them, they can lead to a lot of conflict.
The listener's perspective. If you are talking with a child, communicate at their level of understanding. Men and women often see things differently too. Be willing to explain until everyone is on the same page.

Knowing these pitfalls helps us focus on the principles that make communication clearer.

1. Learn to Listen

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20 (NKJV)

The first skill of good communication is listening. Many people want to speak more than they listen. Jesus said again and again, "He who has an ear, let him hear." Listening is a skill, and everyone can grow in it, but you have to train yourself.

Train yourself to hear not only what someone says, but why they said it, the spirit behind their words. When Nicodemus came to Jesus by night, he began, "Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God." Jesus answered that unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God (John 3:2 to 3). That was not a response to Nicodemus's words. It was a response to his heart. Jesus heard the question behind the statement.

If we learned to do this, we would avoid so much conflict. Many wives say their husbands don't listen, and many husbands are sincerely confused. Often the answer is learning to listen for the why.

2. Confirm What You Heard

When you listen, confirm what you understood before you respond: "This is what I think you are saying. Is that right?" Don't add to what was said, and don't take away from it.

The habits we build with people often carry over to how we hear God. In John 21, Jesus told Peter how he would die, and Peter asked about John. Jesus replied, in effect, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you?" A rumor spread that John would not die, but that is not what Jesus said. John had to correct it. People ran with their own interpretation because they never confirmed what they heard.

3. Be Slow to Speak

Some of us are quick to say exactly what we think. We are learning how much difference a pause makes. Sometimes we are grateful afterward that we waited before speaking.

Someone once said God gave us two ears and one mouth so we would listen twice as much as we speak. Some people speak to impress. Others start with A, which is a fact, jump to Z, which is their own conclusion, and then state Z with total confidence as if it were a fact.

It is okay to say, "I know A, and I think B." Paul did this. He distinguished between what the Lord commanded and what was his own judgment. We all have opinions and preferences, and it is fine to express them, but don't present them as the command of the Lord.

Be especially slow to speak evil of people. Jude tells us that even the archangel Michael, contending with the devil, did not bring a reviling accusation but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" When a scandal breaks, many people comment without knowing enough, and that causes a lot of conflict.

4. Speak Life

A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, But perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Proverbs 15:4 (NKJV)

It is not only about speaking slowly but about speaking words that edify. The life in your words can actually quench conflict and offense. Jesus warned that we will give account for every idle word. So don't throw words around carelessly.

Paul said that in church he would rather speak five words that edify people than ten thousand words in a tongue (1 Corinthians 14:19). When we speak with people, our goal is to build them up, not to show off what we know.

At home, this is so important. Often your spouse or your child already knows what they did was wrong. Don't keep piling on. Proverbs 10:11 says the mouth of the righteous is a well of life. Proverbs 12:18 warns that some people speak like the piercings of a sword. Use your words to heal, not to wound.

Many people have spoken curses over their spouse and children and made life harder because of careless words. Fathers and husbands, be especially careful. God respects the authority He gave you, so don't misuse it.

5. Be Slow to Anger

James also says to be slow to wrath. Hurtful words often come out in anger. When you are angry, you don't have to say everything that comes to mind, because chances are it isn't inspired by the Holy Spirit. Calm down. Go cry it out, pray it out, or take a walk, and then come back. The right words will come.

Your words create. They can bring life or death, light or darkness. Words are spiritual, and the spiritual realm responds to them. Make sure yours bring healing.

6. Be Clear

Be clear and concise. And don't try to win every argument. Some conversations are not leading anywhere good, and it is okay to walk away.

Jesus was always clear: clear about His expectations and clear about His promises. He told us to let our yes be yes and our no be no. Paul wrote that if the trumpet makes an uncertain sound, no one will prepare for battle (1 Corinthians 14:8). You don't have to win the argument. Just make sure people know where you stand.

At home, one of the biggest sources of conflict is expecting your spouse to read your mind. You can avoid half the problem by simply saying what you need and expect. If you want something specific for Valentine's Day, say so. If what you really want for your birthday is a getaway, say so. Your spouse cannot read your mind. The same goes for children. Start by being clear.

7. Speak the Truth in Love

The truth can be offensive, but we should not be. When people were offended by Jesus, it was because of what He said, not how He said it. When someone says something harsh to us, the first question to ask is, "Is it true?" Then we can consider whether it could have been said better.

Ephesians 4:15 calls us to speak the truth in love. Not flattery, and not truth without love. Many Christians are hurt because no one told them the truth, and many false and unrealistic expectations grow because we overpromise. One of the worst things you can do is tell someone a lie and let them build their faith on it.

Hebrews 12 tells us the Lord disciplines those He loves. Love is not always "nice." Sometimes love rebukes, the way a doctor may need to cut out an infection. It is painful, but it saves a life. The goal is to speak the truth so it truly helps.

Be ready to receive the truth too

Think of leaving the house with a stain on your clothes because your own child was afraid to tell you. We would rather hear the truth at home than discover it later. Give the people close to you the freedom to tell you the truth.

Here is a secret: ask for feedback. "What did you think of how I explained that? Could I have said it better?" Ask often, and people will feel free to share. You will learn things you never considered. We would rather hear the truth directly, even when it is hard to receive. We have trained our children to give honest feedback, and they hear it from us as well. That is the kind of open relationship the Lord wants with us, too.

We pray James 1:19 over you: that God gives you ears to hear, and makes you swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. May you grow more effective in receiving and in giving words, and may your words always build others up.

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