Why Conflicts Arise: The Differences Behind Most Disagreements
Conflict is a major part of life. The only way to live completely without it is to go to heaven, and we don't want you going there prematurely! As long as we are on this earth, there will be conflict. Jesus said so plainly:
Then He said to the disciples, "It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come!"
Luke 17:1 (NKJV)
You can be sure that offenses will come, in our families, our marriages, our friendships, and our everyday dealings. So the skill to develop is not avoiding conflict. It is knowing how to resolve it.
That doesn't mean we go looking for trouble. Scripture tells us to seek peace:
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18 (NKJV)
But even when we do our part, situations will arise that need resolving. In this first part of our Conflict Resolution series, we want to look at why conflicts happen, because there is almost always a "why" behind a conflict, and understanding it helps a great deal in resolving it.
Why It Hurts More When It Is Someone Close
Someone you hardly know can say something hurtful, and you shrug it off. But when your spouse, your child, your sibling, or your best friend says the same thing, it cuts deep.
Think about Jesus. He was betrayed by Judas, one of the Twelve. Within a day, Peter denied Him. Nearly all the rest abandoned Him. Talk about an opportunity for offense! And notice that when Jesus said offenses would come, He was speaking to the very disciples who would later offend Him. It is not a matter of if offense comes, but when, and how we deal with it.
Two Kinds of Conflict
The first is malicious. Sometimes people intentionally set out to harm you. Paul asked for prayer to be delivered from unreasonable and wicked men. If you live long enough, you will run into some.
The second, and far more common, comes from differences. As pastors and counselors, we find that most conflicts fall into this category. Here are the differences we see most often.
The Differences Behind Most Conflicts
1. Different purposes or directions
Two people may like each other, but when one heads in one direction and the other heads in another, conflict arises and the relationship can drift apart. This happens in marriage too. A couple may start out wanting the same destination, and then, as they grow, their directions change. If it isn't resolved, it can create major problems.
2. Different expectations
Sometimes an expectation was never communicated: "I didn't know that's what you expected of me." Other times it was communicated, but the other person didn't accept it, or understood it differently than you meant it. A common one: "I did this for my friend, and when it was my turn, they didn't do it for me." Recognizing that doing something for someone doesn't obligate them to return it can remove a lot of conflict. At the very least, communicate your expectations.
3. Different desires and passions
When a couple is consistently passionate about different things, conflict can follow. We see it in our home: our children have wanted different shows and activities at different ages. If we only do what the younger ones want, the older ones feel left out. Different preferences at different stages of life need to be welcomed and managed.
4. Different positions
It is easy to be upset with someone in authority when you are not in their position. Many employees get frustrated with their employer, until they are promoted into management and think, "Oh, that's why they did it." The same thing happens between pastors and congregations, and between parents and children. Different positions give different perspectives.
5. Different values
Do we both believe in God? Is going clubbing okay? How should we use money: spend, save, invest, or give? Differences in values, especially around money, can lead to major problems. The more your values are in sync with the people closest to you, the easier life becomes.
6. Different graces and strengths
We tend to operate out of our own grace and strength, and then expect others to do what we can do. But what comes easily to us comes from our grace. Your grace helps you see things others don't, and theirs helps them see what you miss. Expecting them to function in your grace is unfair.
7. Different perspectives that change over time
People grow and change. Two people may see things the same way at the start, and then life happens. Before Kemi had children, a screaming baby on an airplane was frustrating: why couldn't I have sat up front? After becoming a mother, she now feels compassion and wants to help. As we change, the people closest to us need to grow along with us, or conflict follows.
8. Different knowledge and exposure
When you have been exposed to things others haven't, you see differently, and what moves them may not move you.
9. Gender differences
God created them male and female. There are divine differences between men and women, and in marriage counseling we see how important it is for each to understand the other. When you understand these differences, it becomes much easier to bridge them.
10. Generational differences
Things we consider normal, our children look at and say, "Daddy, Mommy, seriously?" Even under the same roof, generations see things differently. If you despise a generation that is not yours, you will always be in conflict with it. Previous generations have seen things they can teach us, and younger generations see things we don't. Learn from each other.
11. Assumptions and incomplete information
Some of the most painful conflicts come from false accusations, often based on incomplete information or misreading someone's heart. We have both experienced this. People sometimes assume Tayo's quietness means he won't stand up for himself. Others assume Kemi isn't listening because she is more outgoing, even though she pays close attention to detail. Assumptions like these can lead to major conflict if they aren't addressed.
12. Cultural, traditional, and social differences
Different cultures, races, upbringings, and economic backgrounds can create serious friction, especially when people work closely together and never take the time to understand each other.
Differences Can Become Strengths
Here is the encouraging part: the very differences that cause conflict can become sources of strength, opportunity, and growth. Scripture says there are differences of ministries but the same Lord. God Himself created many of these differences for His purposes. When you recognize that something is from the Lord, even if it isn't your style, your tradition, or your experience, you can receive it.
Tayo grew up in a Christian tradition where it was easy to feel superior to believers from other traditions. Yet one of the greatest lessons he ever learned about God and evangelism came from someone of a tradition he thought he knew more than. Yes, there are differences, but we can still learn from each other and communicate, and God can do much more.
Whatever the reason a conflict arises, there is a way to resolve it. The tools of conflict resolution apply in marriage, between parents and children, among siblings, and in friendships. Some things are unique to each relationship, but many principles apply to all of them.
A Prayer for You
If a past conflict has left you offended or discouraged, we pray that you receive God's mind toward it. Conflict is not the end of the world. Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble, so we are not caught off guard. We pray that you gain God's perspective on the solution, and wisdom to live at peace with others as much as depends on you.
And if your heart has been hurt, the Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. The chastisement for our peace was laid on Jesus. We speak healing over every wound, so that what has troubled you will not trouble you again, and you will walk in peace, in Jesus' name.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.