Marriage Is Not the Cure for Everything: Joy and Contentment While You Are Single
"If I get married, all my problems will go away." "I can't have joy until I'm in a relationship." "I can't have a life until I find the right person."
This is lie number two in our series Dangerous Lies Singles Believe: marriage is the cure for all my problems. It sounds harmless, even hopeful. But when your joy and contentment depend on being married, the consequences can follow you into a relationship and long after it. Our focus in this series is helping singles prepare for a godly marriage with the right framework and mindset, so let's look at what this lie does and what God's Word says instead.
It Turns Marriage Into an Idol
God created marriage. Marriage is good, and done properly it is a blessing. But marriage should never contend with God. The only One we cannot live without is Jesus.
In Jeremiah 2:13, God says His people committed two evils: they forsook Him, the fountain of living waters, and dug for themselves broken cisterns that cannot hold water. That is what happens when we forget that God is the only fountain of life. Jesus said:
I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
John 10:10 (NKJV)
Peter preached that there is salvation in no one else. Once you start believing there is salvation in marriage, that becomes a problem. In Luke 14:26, Jesus placed Himself above father, mother, spouse, and even our own lives. The One who created marriage expects us to put Him above marriage.
Here is the encouraging part: when you put God first, you can live a fulfilled life whether or not you ever get married.
It Pushes People Into the Wrong Relationships
People who believe marriage is a cure-all tend to force themselves into relationships they have no business being in, or stay in relationships they know are not God's will. The thinking goes, "If I don't have this, I don't have a life."
The Bible is clear that it is better to be single than to be miserably married. It even says so with a touch of humor:
Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.
Proverbs 21:19 (NKJV)
Proverbs 25:24 says something similar about living in a corner of the housetop. Notice the contrast. Scripture does not compare a bad marriage with a single person relaxing on a beach. It says you could be alone in the wilderness, in a hard place, and that would still be better than a contentious marriage.
As good as marriage is, it is marriage done right that is good, not marriage at any cost. There may be pressure on you to get married. In the name of fighting that pressure, don't make your life worse.
It Steals the Joy of Your Current Season
Another consequence of this lie is that singles postpone their joy until they get married. But God's best is for us to enjoy every phase of life. Imagine a child in kindergarten worrying about getting into college. College will come. While you are in this phase, enjoy this phase.
Marriage is great, and marriage has its challenges. Being single is great, and being single has its challenges. Some singles only see the blessings of marriage and only the challenges of singleness. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:33 that the one who is married cares about how to please his wife. Marriage brings extra cares that you do not carry while single.
Paul also said he had learned to be content in whatever state he was in. Human nature finds it easy to be discontent. When you are single, you just want to be married. When you are married, you just want children. When you have children, you want something else. That fleshly nature complains about the current season, and we have to consciously fight it, single or married.
So decide: I will celebrate where I am right now. I will receive the grace God has for me in this season and walk in the fullness of it. If it feels like the next season is delayed, I will release my faith and ask God for help. And while I am on my way, I will rejoice today on my way to my tomorrow.
Singleness is not a disease
In some congregations and cultures, singleness is treated like a disease, and single people are treated like second-class citizens. That is not true. You have the option of not getting married at all. And if you do want to marry and you are still single, it is not a disease. Work with God toward His will, and serve and enjoy God while you do.
Don't let marriage define your self-esteem. Your identity is that you are a child of God. When the disciples returned rejoicing that even demons were subject to them, Jesus told them to rejoice instead that their names were written in heaven (Luke 10:20). Being a child of God is enough. Everything else is an extra. We will take marriage when it comes, and children when they come, but because we have Jesus, we already have so much.
It Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations of Your Spouse
When you believe marriage will solve everything, you place impossible expectations on a future husband or wife. Marriage is beautiful, but it is not heaven.
God never said your spouse is El Shaddai. He said, I am your Source. Your spouse is a major channel of God's blessing, but your spouse is not the source. If marriage becomes an idol, your spouse becomes your source, and when your spouse cannot deliver, which will happen, you end up deeply disappointed.
When God remains your Source, you receive what you can from your spouse with gratitude, and you take what your spouse cannot give to God. That is a balanced view of marriage.
We love each other, but we both know we are not complete without God. Each of us is still learning how to meet the other's needs. For what we cannot give each other, we know we can turn to God.
Whether you are single or married, you never stop looking to God as your Source. So learn to lean on Him now. Your fellowship with God follows you into marriage and into parenting. If you don't develop it while you are single, you will put that pressure on your spouse instead.
A Prayer for You
Heavenly Father, thank You for creating marriage and making it good. We know it was never meant to take Your place. Help every single person reading this to put You above all and make You their Source. You said to seek first Your kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be added. Open the right doors in Your perfect time, in Jesus' name. Amen.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.